Coffee and Analog

The concept of identity interests me. Recently I’ve been thinking that as humans, we spend so much time building a life to live, that we get caught in the daily rush of it and forget that our identity is multifaceted. It’s important to remember that while we identify with certain things, those things are NOT our identity. Not who we are. What we do, what we collect, what we wear, who our parents are, what we believe, what we like, how others see us, none of it is who we are. While all those things CONTRIBUTE to our overall identity and paint a picture of the whole person we are, it’s important to remember that the concept of identity is fluid and ever changing. What it all boils down to is how we see ourselves and how comfortable we are being us. It’s important to remember that just because our identity is what it is today, doesn’t mean it can’t change (intentionally or not).

Do you like the person you are today? Are you comfortable with yourself and the person you are on the inside? Are you aligning your life and the things you do with who you want to be? Are you spending time with people that make you happy and make you feel like your time is worth it? I guess what I’m saying (in a long winded round about way) is that we could all be more intentional with what we do and how those things contribute to who we are, and who we want to be. We should all love the skin we’re in. And if that means shaking things up, then who am I to judge? Life’s too short to live a life you’re not comfortable with.

As I stepped up the concrete steps and into the decaying house of a person I didn’t know, the smell of stale air and lost life filled my nose. The feeling of heaviness hit me and the the notion of how I thought I’d feel in that particular moment as I walked from room to room gave me an unexpected feeling of sorrow and curiosity. Letting the sight of someone else’s belongings seep into my mind, the cluttered rooms felt as if the life that once filled their spaces had left a spiritual footprint that had yet to be scrubbed from the bones of the house. With each item picked over, some taken and some left, the memory of the person that once owned them slowly changed and began to lift at the edges, ready to float away at any given moment.

I remember pausing at a shelf lined with boxes of ashes of long lost pets and thinking that the time had finally come for their souls to reunite and how happy they’d be. Then I thought of the people this person now gone had left behind. Looking around the room the immensity of the stuff they left knocked reality into focus for me. The weight of the history left for someone else to manage saddened me. How would this person be remembered? WOULD they be remembered? Would they be remembered for their love of Harley Davidson? Or their ability to sew? Or maybe they’d be remembered for their love of cooking? Or their love of animals?

Thought after thought filled my head in a short amount of time. Weeding through those thoughts, something dawned on me. As I stood in the middle of a dusty bedroom at an estate sale while others meandered around me, it hit me. It’s not the stuff we kept while alive that we’ll be remembered for. It’s the memories that those things evoke in the people we leave that will carry our legacy into the future. It was at that moment the the old adage that “we can’t take it when we go” filled my head. With that I made my way out of the house, down the concrete steps, and back toward my car. As I drove off I sent a mental wish into the universe that this person I didn’t know would be remembered for a long time coming.

A lot has happened in the last 275 days. In no specific order, I grew my beard to the longest it’s been in my entire life, I celebrated my 33rd birthday, I’ve traveled, ate some amazing food (and some not so amazing), met some amazing people, lost touch with some as well, hiked, watched great movies (and some bad ones, too), loved more than most, thought of the future, remembered the past, and stopped updating this blog.

I’d like to blame it on life “getting busy”, as it tends to do, but what it really boils down to is priorities and lack of discipline. In the end if I truly wanted to update this blog, I would have. Don’t get me wrong, I had every intention of updating it, but through the last 275 days I’ve learned that intention is only a minor piece of it all. You can have the best intentions in the world, but if you don’t take the time to put in the work, no matter what it is, then nothing will get done. Simple as that.

In the end I guess what you have to ask yourself is if what you want to do is worth putting in that work. If not, there’s no sense in bogging your life down with a pile of stuff you “intend” to do but never take the time to. Cut it and focus on the things that you DO want to do. The things that make you happy. Time is a finite resource. Stop wasting it on things that don’t matter.

As for this blog, it IS worth it to me.

I found myself standing on a hill in front of a meetinghouse in a quaint town in New Hampshire, watching the trees sway in a summer breeze, as a quartet played classical music nearby. The sky was overcast, and a crowd had gathered to listen to the music while I took in the scene around me. It had rained earlier in the day and I remember thinking that the sky would once again open up at any moment. But it didn’t. The music danced among the wind and trees and I found that my soul was calm and my mind was quiet. A change from how it’d recently been.

As I let this feeling sink in, I thought back to the past few days. I hadn’t been feeling well and I didn’t know why. A coworker mentioned that I looked stressed and a lot of the time stress could make people feel unwell. After taking stock of my life as of late, I decided that I could do with a little mindfulness and relaxation. So I closed my eyes, let time slow, and smiled. I felt grateful for all the wonderful things and people in my life. I spent less time worrying and more time being present. And most of all, I was aware of how fleeting stress really is if only we loosened our hold on it.

After the concert, I snapped this picture of the meetinghouse as a reminder of its stark beauty against the backdrop of the cloudy sky.

I often think about success and what it means to me. I think that the notion of success is very subjective and differs based on who you ask. To me I view success as being able to live off of what makes your heart happy. Not having to compromise on following your passions and callings because of the need to do something else to make a living. I view success as a state of mind where the worry and stresses of having to do something else to be able to follow your dreams are nonexistent.

When I think of success I think of being to write for a living. Sitting at a desk looking out a window at a view. Being able to spend hours on end writing and not having to worry about “work”. I want to be able to change the world with the words I’ll write. Be able to move people.

What does success mean to you?

I have to admit, I’m a thief of sorts. But not the kind you’d think. I don’t steal jewels, money, or prized possessions. Nothing like that. The things I steal are far more precious. These things that cannot be held. I steal the fragile fleeting things that are taken for granted and seldom kept hidden or under lock and key.

Moments.

Precious moments.

I can be found on park benches, in far corners of rooms, or in hallways, watching the world around me in eternal wonderment. I steal glances, facial expressions, subconscious hand gestures, looks of love and fear. I steal the moments that hang amidst human interaction in the spaces between beings and heartbeats. Spaces where people bare souls and raw emotions make homes.

Human connection.

These are moments that I hold to be some of the purest we have in life. Moments so pure that, unless you’re looking for them, feeling them, slip by unnoticed among expended breaths of air.

As I watch, I wonder. I build stories in my head about the moments I steal and the people I steal them from. Why certain moments happen. Why some don’t. I am forever amazed at these moments. Both the simplest and the most complex of things. Moments so simple that few take notice, and things so complex that these moments weave themselves seamlessly into the fabric of life.

For every moment stolen, a sensation of connection overcomes me. A knowing feeling that, despite all that is wrong with this world, we’re all in this together.

And life goes on.

You sniffled and blinked a few times as you stared out of the windshield of your idling car at nothing in particular. It looked like the weight of whatever you had going on in life was working overtime at weighing you down. I remember thinking that at that hour of the morning it must have been tough, but the look that made its home on your face was unmistakable. I may not have known what had happened to make you look that sad, but whatever it was I hope it gets better for you.

As I brought my gaze back from my rearview mirror I noticed that the car in front of mine had inched forward in the drive-tru, so I did the same. I ordered my coffee and when I made my way to the drive up window I paid for yours along with mine.

I know I don’t know who you are or what you were going through, but I know how it feels to be in a place that’s tough to handle. And once in a while, it’s the little things that make a world of difference. I know it wasn’t much, but I hope the coffee helped.

Today I woke up at 4:15 in the morning. I was tired. Very tired. Last night I stayed up roasting a coffee order for my coffee roasting business that needed to get done. Did I mention I own a coffee roasting company? No? More on that in another post. As I got ready to leave my house, I looked out of my second-story window and noticed the pre-sunrise glow caressing the horizon. I took a moment to admire the beauty that I saw and couldn’t help but smile. Despite how exhausted I was, I was grateful to be up at that time to see it.

The reason I was up at that hour was because I was taking my friend to the airport. She was leaving to visit her brother in Florida and asked if I could give her a ride. The ride itself, while taking longer than I expected due to traffic, wasn’t bad. I listened to an audiobook and was home by 10 am. I showered, meditated, and took a quick nap. When I woke up from my slumber, I randomly thought that today was a good day.

I always try to be aware and take stock of when I randomly think that the day will be good. Not because it’s any sort of rare occurrence, but more so to revel in the thought before moving on with my day. After all, I’ve come to believe that it’s the little steps and moments that lead to big gains. So if you’re reading this, take a moment to take a step back and try to find even the smallest kernel of good in your day to be thankful for.

My wish for you is to be happy.

Sometimes words escape me. Maybe my day is on “autopilot”, maybe I’m too preoccupied with life to spend time deep in thought, or maybe, on the rare occasion, my mind is quieted for whatever reason. I’ve been working on being more aware of when and why I feel this way, and sometimes, like right now, I am able to step back and kind of look in on myself and spend a moment or two pondering.

I woke up this morning feeling a little deflated and unmotivated if not down. I remember having a dream that kind of made me sad but I can’t remember what the dream was about for the life of me. That feeling faded pretty quickly, but I feel like it kind of started my day off on the wrong foot. I’m not saying that that’s why I feel the way I do in this instance, but it’s interesting to me how sometimes, one thing leads to another and you find yourself wondering what happened to make you feel a certain way. My morning meditation and coffee definitely helped my mood and now I feel content.

All that said, I’m happy and grateful that I’m able to take a step back and assess where I am in my day and reflect on the things that make me feel how I feel. I may not have all the answers, and I don’t claim to, but I try to at least be aware and open to why things are the way they are. And in the end, the act of stepping back and being more aware in turn has made me find words on a wordless day.

I guess I did have something to write about after all.

For as long as I can remember biking has always been a big part of my life. I haven’t gone biking in a little while, but looking back I can remember how much it means to me. I didn’t get my drivers license till I was 23 years old, and until that point I either walked or biked, which was fine living in the small city I live in. But more that that, biking has always been somewhat of a spiritual thing for me. I think one of the things I appreciate most about biking is the perspective of the world it gives me. Walking has always given my mind too much time to wander, and driving is too fast for any sort of meaningful thoughts. Biking on the other hand creates this unique headspace where I feel like I connect with the world on a different level. The way the wind kisses my skin as I speed past soothes my soul and melts my worries away. The way objects pass me as I make my way by triggers thoughts and connections that I don’t get during any other mode of transportation.

Growing up my dad was always an avid biker in his own right, and continues to be. I feel like I caught the biking bug from him. Growing up I remember he had a beloved red Raleigh mountain bike that he cherished and babied very much. I was so jealous of that bike and wanted it really bad. Flash forward to yesterday. I got back into town from officiating my friend’s wedding, and waiting for me was a random box from my dad. Inside was the same bike I had wanted for all those years. I stood for a moment in disbelief before calling my dad. Not one to let things go, I thought he may have sent it to me by mistake. He hadn’t. He explained to me that he was getting rid of stuff to make room for other things and he knew how much I wanted this bike growing up, so he was giving it to me.

It’s funny how sometimes life comes around full circle and connects in different ways. I had been feeling like I wanted to go biking for a little while and just haven’t for one reason or another.

Now I think I will.